Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
