Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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