nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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