people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
