I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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