My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
