you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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