I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You made out with two different species that night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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