i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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