I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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