Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
