I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
