I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
