How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
