even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The Olympian is in my bed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
