girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
