my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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