I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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