apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
