i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
