sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
