my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
