I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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