These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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