1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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