i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
