she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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