My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize