Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
