dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
