You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
