just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
