I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
handjob tips. give me some.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
