i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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