I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Are my feet made of real feet?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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