so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
