I am puke
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize