last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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