are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
