I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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