u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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