U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
