You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I checked into jail on foursquare
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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