Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
