Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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