pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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