I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
