EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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