I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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