i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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