my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
nutella sex= disaster
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
