Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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