i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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