gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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