I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
