I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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