Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Screwed.edu
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
