i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
