he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
