I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
